this is what happens when I can't chat.

krsitnee

As I looked at the night sky I thought of his words cutting into me as effectively as a knife. "You are killing my child....you are killing me. You are a whore- useless murdering cunt" I started to shake- partly from the cold and partly from the sheer exhaustion of what I had done. He pushed me so far- so many times. A girl can only take so much before she is pushed over the edge. He brought it on himself.

Sitting down on the newly turned ground under which his body lay feeding the worms and enriching the soil, I pulled his old jacket tightly around me and remembered what it was that brought us to this point. I am writing it here because I need to make sure everyone understands- this was HIS fault. It wasn't always bad with us..in the beginning it was very good.

I met him at the Coffeehouse. I had gone to watch my favorite band of the minute playing for what was one of the last times. They were splitting up and while that wasn’t a surprise- it still hurt to say goodbye. My friends were all there- Meg and Jon, Sherry and Dave, Mandy was even there I think- with Matt. I was sitting on one of the big overstuffed couches when they decided to go home to watch South Park. I opted to stay and hear the end of the guy’s set.

That is when he walked over. He sat down next to me and took my hand. I didn’t know him- but it wasn’t unusual for people to just do that with me from time to time- especially in the Coffeehouse. We didn’t speak until the set was over- then he turned to me and asked me why I looked so sad. I was struggling then- my time in that place was coming to an end- and I was uncertain about what the future might hold. I told him that and he kissed me.

It occurred to me around that time that I didn’t even know his name. He smiled that beautiful smile at me and told me his name was Robert. One of the guys from the band walked over then and pulled me into a conversation. The hours flew buy and it was closing time, so I did my part for the cleanup and then started out the door for home. He asked for my number then- and I gave it to him.

I had no idea this is where I would end up- if I did- surely I would have left and gone back with the others.

Robert was fun. He brought back a childlike innocence into my life. He introduced me to a world of people that I would never have known. I would go with him to house parties and end up in the most interesting conversations with people I had barely nodded to in my philosophy classes. The sex was fantastic. He was creative and taught me not to be afraid to try anything. We experimented with so many different things- and somehow meshed our needs and desires together until we achieved something incredible.

I met his family. They weren’t pleased with me, but that didn’t stop Robert. He swore they would love me when they got to know me. We played pool, we went to concerts, and we went to the beach. He always seemed a bit short of cash, but that didn’t matter- I had enough for both of us. I would go and meet him on his lunch break and he would be there when my classes ended for the day. He had for the most part, moved in to my dorm room.

Somewhere along the line though- it started to change from fun to obsessive. He wanted to know where I was- at every moment. I would wake him in the morning to go to work, and I would head to class. I came back between classes and he would be sitting in front of my dorm waiting for me, puffing on his cigarettes and just waiting. Once he got a clear handle on my schedule – he would wait outside the buildings where the classes were. I asked him why he wasn’t at work and he told me that he had just taken some time off. If it was raining, he would talk someone into letting him into the dorm- and he would be waiting in my hallway- or there would be a note on my door telling me that he was in Mandy’s room- and that I should come and get him when I got in.

Every phone call I got- every person who waved to me as we walked across campus every letter- every e-mail I got- needed to be explained. I tried to get away- I even ran away once- but it was only for the day- and I found out later that it wasn’t worth running away- because it just made things worse once he found me. Inside the classrooms was my only real privacy- because he wasn’t allowed in there. One day I was sitting in one of the philosophy classes- talking to the guy sitting next to me- because we had both latched onto a common idea- and well- shit that is what the class just was- talking to each other- discussing- debating etc. The guy was fairly attractive. He was one of my favorite people in that class. Good idea’s that were well grounded but still included a touch of the poetic nature that calls to me. He had seen me enter the class with the weight of the world on my shoulders- and he always tried to help me find some peace- without prying into the things I wanted to hide. I had forgotten though that one of Robert’s friends was also in the class. He was one of the ones that I had met so often at the house parties.

He must have mentioned to Robert that I was talking with Paul…because Robert went insane. He knew better then to attack me physically- but he was an expert at attacking me emotionally. The next time I was in class- I sat in a different seat. Paul asked me to go with him to one of the conservatories for a project we had due- and I declined. It was then that he noticed the huge ring that I was never without. It was Robert’s class ring- and he was insistent that I wear it. Paul never spoke to me again.

Robert was a drug addict. He was clean when we first met, but only because he was on probation and he knew he had to play the game right for a while. As soon as his probation ended, he was using again though. I don’t even know what he was on- so many varieties came through my life at that time. I stayed clean through it though- allowing my only addiction to be the legal drugs- cigarettes and alcohol…and always coffee.

We would go to the Coffeehouse on a regular basis- because Robert was still a few months shy of being able to go into the bar legally. Even that place- that had once been such a haven of peace for me- became another version of hell. Ownership changed hands- and the new owner was sweet- but wasn’t someone we could just go and talk to when things got difficult.

Robert’s mother called me one day and asked me if I was giving him money. Of course I was- he was struggling to have to put gas in his car to get to work. She told me to stop- because she too had been giving him cash- for gas and cigarettes- and she had gotten a call from his dad (they were divorced and both remarried) and apparently his father had been giving him cash too. I started to wonder if he had completely quit his job- I hadn’t been over there in a few weeks- and it hadn’t occurred to me that since he was always with me- he couldn’t have been working. I confronted him about it- asked him what the deal was- and he told me that he had gotten fired. We went to a friend of mine’s house for a party, and he didn’t know many of the people there. He decided I was cheating on him and demanded to leave. He was even more upset when I went back without him. I told him I couldn’t take this relationship anymore. Then he cried. He sat there with me- on the floor of my dorm room- crying. He told me that he knew he had a problem- and he needed me to help him. He wanted to quit the drugs- he wanted to change his life- and he needed me with him to make that happen. He begged me not to leave.

Always a sucker for a good sob story- I couldn’t get up and walk away. He promised things would be different- and as though I was following the classic abuse cycle- I opted to give it another chance. Things went well for a few weeks. I never saw him under the influence. He got a job at the gas station near his Dad’s house. Things were almost fun again. Then I got pregnant. I had been horribly sick and it didn’t seem to be going away. I couldn’t eat- I couldn’t stand the smell of food…of even coffee which had become my lifeline. I was leaving my classes to go throw up in the bathrooms. I would lay awake for half the night- then finally fall into a fitful sleep only to wake up wishing I hadn’t. Finally I faced the truth. I told Robert that I thought I was pregnant- and we went on the drug store run to get the test. It was positive.

I remember just crying. For hours, he sat there holding me while I cried. My roommate came in- took one look at me and knew what was going on- she grabbed me tightly too and held on. Somehow the sun rose the next morning. Robert took away my cigarettes and alcohol was out of the question. He wouldn’t let me have even caffeine. I was evasive- how was I supposed to deal with this? As soon as I graduated- I lost coverage under the health insurance I was on. He wasn’t working (the gas station thing lasted about 5 days then he sold some beer to one of his underage friends and got busted). His family hated me. My family was living 300 miles away.

He told me that we would make it work. We talked to our friends Sherry and Dave and they talked with us about getting a place together. We told his family. Then I told mine. His family was angry, disappointed, and hurtful. Mine was ten times worse.

I made my appointment at the free clinic in town to get the home test confirmed. He didn’t go with me. That day his mother called me to tell me that Robert was very sick as a baby and that this baby will probably have the same illnesses and that I was going to have a horrible time trying to raise this child.

I started to slide into a deep depression. I still couldn’t stand the sights and smells of the dining hall- and my friends (not all of whom knew my situation) were starting to bug me about not showing up for meals. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I have no idea how I didn’t get kicked out of school. One night- Robert decided he had enough of dealing with me (wasn’t much fun at the time) so he went out with his friends. He came back drunk, and high, and smelling so horrible that I couldn’t stand it. I told him to leave.

I sank lower and lower as I thought about the life that the child I was carrying would lead. A father who couldn’t hold a job and didn’t care one way or the other…addicted to drugs and emotionally abusive paired with a mother who had a nice education but no job, no insurance, no place to live. Hell of a beginning.

I was so depressed that I stayed in bed for a week- didn’t get up at all. One of my friends came to visit me. He sat on my bed with me and just let me cry. He told me then that if I was ever in need of anything at all- that it took nothing more then a walk across the campus for him to be there for me. He said if I needed to talk to him- or if I needed to escape from everyone else- or if I just needed to not be so alone- I could walk over- the door would be unlocked and he would be there.

I told Robert the next day that I had decided to terminate the pregnancy. I was afraid of what my life was becoming. I was horrified at what I had let myself become. That was yesterday. Then he lost control. He started screaming at me- right there in the middle of the park. Telling me how I was evil. I was going to Hell. I was killing his baby- and thus killing him. I took off- running closer to where we had parked the car earlier- over by the now empty swing sets He grabbed onto me then- wouldn’t let me go- but just kept yelling. I don’t know when it happened but all the built up anger and hatred and misery came out and that is when I broke free. I ran over to the car and got in. I don’t think I intended initially to hit him- but when he started raging after me- with that wild look in his eye…I couldn’t help it. I heard him scream- saw him fall- and I backed up and hit him again. I waited there until he stopped screaming.

With tears blinding me I stepped from the car…I ran to him. I started shaking when I saw him laying there- bloody and bent. I grabbed the blanket from my car and rolled his now lifeless form onto it. Then I pulled it along the ground to the tree line…I knew there was a clearing back there- we had gone there once in the early days to make love. I left him where nobody would notice and then went back to the car. At the sight of the blood on the ground and car I started laughing. It was impossible. There was no way this could have happened. There was a bucket in the sandbox that some child had abandoned earlier in the day. I picked it up and took it to the water pump near the picnic tables. Filling it I brought it back over and poured it on the car to remove some of the indications. The front of the car was a bit banged up- but it didn’t look much worse then normal. Then as if God wanted to help me- the rain started…I was soaked in minutes and you could not even see the blood on the ground anymore. I got back in the car and drove to his Mom’s house. I didn’t go into the house- but into the shed in the back- grabbed the shovel and took off before she noticed I was there.

The park wasn’t far…I had a flashlight in my car and a lantern from the weekend that Robert and I went camping down at the beach. I got back to where I left him and somehow managed to pick up the body- soaked blanket and all. The rain stopped as quickly as it had started. I carried it across my shoulders- into the clearing. I buried him in the same spot where we once laid together. That is where I am now…the sun is starting to rise- the sky looks a little brighter. I don’t know what to do now- but I know that I am here…and he is gone. When I started telling you this I thought he deserved it. I thought that writing my story would justify my actions- would explain why I couldn’t take anymore…but as I read what I have written I know that it doesn’t. I made my own hell- he didn’t make it for me.

There are guns at his Dad’s trailer. I have seen them there many times- and I know the one he keeps above the cabinet is always loaded. I am going over there now. He won’t think twice about letting me in- hell he probably won’t even be conscious enough to know I am there. I’ll bring the gun back here- and take my life in a more merciful way then I took his. I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean for it to go like this. I was hoping for a happier ending. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Derickls · Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2004 10:51 pm Post subject:

wow...that was really good

homncruse · Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2004 12:16 am Post subject:

Hm, for a while there, in the beginning, I forgot I was in the Creative Works forum and thought it was a true story... I kept thinking, "That's so horrible." Then I got to the end and realized that it was a work of fiction (unless it was partly inspired by true events, but I'm not going to delve in that direction)
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krsitnee · Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2004 12:20 am Post subject:

There is a bit of truth in everything I write. This one obviously has a bit of fiction as well.

I wrote this this morning at my desk..so forgive me and advise me if you see anything that doesn't quite work.

thanks!