Mentally Incontinent: A Joe The Peacock Book - Alison's Starting To Happen To Me

Preface

If there is one thing I am pretty famous for among my friends, it’s getting into trouble.

No, seriously! It’s true!

However, there’s another thing I’m actually MORE famous for, and that’s getting OUT of trouble. If you ask my best friend Mike what he would consider is the most outrageous thing I have ever weaseled my way out of, he’d probably regale you with an epic tale of accidentally setting a major chain restaurant ablaze and getting away with only a slap on the wrist. I surrendered a few weekends over a period of 20 weeks to pick up garbage on the side of the road and sell used junk to people at the Goodwill retail center – and I have a sealed record, to boot. All in all, not nearly as bad as it could have been. It's not the best story, however.

My wife, Andrea, may have a different tale to tell when posed with that particular query, choosing to share with you the story of how I have managed to talk my way out of just about every speeding ticket I have been faced with over the past 4 years (27, at last count). She would probably then tell you about a specific incident that occurred late one night as I drove her home after a date. A police cruiser began following me at about 55 miles an hour in a 40 mile an hour zone with every light turned off. We both knew that I was probably going to get a ticket, as the Henry County Police are notorious for both ticket quotas and being complete dicks. So, in a bold and completely insane move, I sped up. Naturally, the policeman increased his speed as well to keep my pace. So I went faster. He went faster. We topped 70, 80, up to 90 miles an hour in this 40 mile an hour zone when, finally, he flipped on his blue-and-reds and pulled me over. Once he approached the window, I began frantically panting and thanking God that he was, indeed, a police officer.

“What’s goin’ on, son?” He asked. “What’s wrong?”

*Gasp* “Oh, thank GOD you are a cop…”

“Hold on now… What’chew mean, ‘Thank Gawd I’m a cop?”

I then “explained” to the officer – with a straight face - that I was once a victim of a drive-by shooting that occurred very much in the same manner that he had just approached me, and I just freaked out and began speeding to get away from it. I begged him to give me a ticket, because “I don’t mind paying for my crimes when I commit them, officer… I am just very, very glad that you weren’t another shooter!”

He gave me a warning and told me to “Git straight home and calm down, ya’ hear?”

Again, good stuff. But not the best.

Yeah, there are a good many stories floating around that detail the various escapades I’ve managed to get myself into and subsequently out of. There is one tale, however, I think tops them all.

And I have never shared it with anyone.

There is not a single person who knows me – aside from the other individual involved – who has ever heard or read a single word of this story, for I have never had the guts to actually tell it to anyone.

That is, until now.

I’m going to share with you one of my greatest secrets, and I’ll start by asking you a question: Have you ever completely abandoned your greater sensibilities and just let go?

Have you ever taken the whole of your common sense – every single idea and notion instilled in your being that guides and directs you in ways that keep you from completely and utterly blowing the whole thing all to hell – and just tossed them aside, choosing instead to just LIVE; to let a moment develop and exist which all at once so beautiful and clumsy and embarrassing and so, so utterly human? Is there a single instance that you can point to in your life that you can say “I don’t regret it one bit... I cherish and love the memory of it, I hold it sacred and consider it one of the finest moments of my life - and, if given the chance, there is no way in hell I will ever – EVER - do it again?”

Yeah... Um... Me either.

I jest. Without further ado: The story.

The Story

It was my favorite place in the entire city. Sitting about 20 yards off the sidewalk on the corner of Peachtree and Spring streets, almost directly in the center of Atlanta, stood a gigantic steel sculpture of a man holding a massive globe, the entire thing comprised of individual people connected by their hands and feet. It was a symbol of unity, a gesture of goodwill which showed how, united, we are all guardians of the planet and we hold its fate in our hands... Or some such nonsense, I really never read the description on the plaque beside it. I just thought it looked really cool, so one day I climbed inside of it and sat in the globe, looking out at the city; Close enough to see everyone as they rushed frantically by but far enough away and secluded enough that no one could really see me inside. It was the perfect place, hidden in plain sight. From that point forward I spent a great deal of time there, sketching and writing safely within the hands of the steel man, the guardian of the city.

Naturally, being our last night together, I had to share it with Alison.

I couldn’t help but think about how quickly the week had gone by as we sat that night nestled within this piece of art. The cold December air crested like a wave with the passing of every vehicle, washing over and breaking upon us. I held Alison close to me, my arms wrapped around her torso, my legs draped on either side of her. She clutched my hands in hers as she lay her head back upon my chest, her eyes closed and her raven locks draping down across my arm. The fragrant mixture of botanicals in the shampoo she used overtook my senses. It filled my lungs and permeated my soul, clutching me tightly and holding me firmly in the moment. For hours we sat this way, embracing deeply and enjoying the mere presence of the other. We had abandoned conversation long ago forsaking words and language for the simple act of just being.

I held this person, my friend and confidant… I held her so very close to me, all at once feeling so vulnerable and so secure. Never before had I shared myself so completely with another person – all of my feelings, dreams, fears… they all came rushing out of me nearly uncontrollably. It wasn’t that Alison was so very easy to talk to – or maybe it was, but not entirely that. Something about her invited spontaneity as much as it invited trust. I knew I could tell her anything and she would understand and accept it for what it was. I had bared myself to this person so wholly, so completely, both emotionally and physically. And the entire time, just one thought rang over and over inside my mind:

This was NOT supposed to be happening. Not to me, and especially not right now.

But it was. And the funniest part is, I never saw it coming.

I slowly replaced the handset of the telephone to its cradle and turned to address Mike who was sitting on the other side of the room with a Nintendo controller in his hand, mesmerized by the movement of a tiny spaceship on the screen.

“Hey, vidiot,” I exclaimed in an effort to drag him out of Life Force and back into reality. He grunted a little, which I inferred as a signal to continue. “That was Alison. She’s going to meet us at Felinni’s in 30 minutes. You ready?”

Although his eyes remained glued to the screen, I could see from all the way across the room a gigantic smile grow across the profile of his face. It then emitted a small laugh as Mike, eloquent as ever, brought forth for pondering a resounding “Dude…”

“What?” I said sharply, gathering my keys and wallet and placing one of each into either of the two pockets which rested slightly below my hips. I grabbed my favorite New York Rangers hat and placed it atop my head, then returned my attention back to Mike.

“You are SO going to bang her,” he said in reply.

The words hit me like a brick in the knee. I momentarily lost my balance and struggled to reply. Alison was sweet and it was definitely fun to talk with her, but I’d never met her before in my life. How, exactly, could I want to copulate with someone whom I have never met – especially someone who was actually there to meet Mike? The only thing that I could come up with for a retort was “WHAT?!?”

“You heard me,” he said, grabbing the flashing blue power-up and boosting his ship’s abilities. “You know you’re gonna.”

“Yeah, I heard you…” I replied. “I simply can’t believe you’d be so crass, you jackass! I’ve never even MET her!”

“SO?” he replied, defiant. “I already told you she’s hot.”

“Well, forgive me for saying so, but your qualifications of what defines ‘hot’ aren’t exactly what I would call the gold standard.” I grabbed a pack of gum and removed a stick. “Besides, I’m already dating someone. You know me better than that – or at least I’d HOPE you do.”

“Heh… Right, Mandy… Like she matters.”

“Of COURSE she matters.”

“To WHO?!?” he snipped. “Her mom and dad, maybe… She certainly doesn’t matter to you.”

“You’re a dick, you know that?”

“What? You’ve already as much as admitted it. Tell me I’m wrong.” I looked him straight in the eye. My lip quivered, my brow narrowed. Nevertheless, nothing verbal made its way forth to besmirch his assertion.

He smirked. “Yeah, that’s what I figured. Besides, it’s not that big of a deal. You hate Mandy, you get along with Alison.” He thumbed the controller wildly. “You don’t have to get all tied up with her. I never said anything about buying her a ring or talking about what to name your dog when you get it.”

“Well, I don’t work that way, and you know it. And anyway, what the hell brought this on? Isn’t she coming up here to hang out with YOU? I thought I was the third wheel here.”

His eyes remained fixated on the action on the screen. “Yeah, well… I think we both know that it may have started OUT that way, but let’s face it - I’m not the one she’s spent the past three weeks making plans with or sighing heavily into the phone to, now am I?”

“Come on, Mike…” I replied pitifully. “We just talk. It’s… It’s nothing, and you know it.”

“Two hours a night for six months is quite a lot of nothing, my friend.”

“We read the same books.”

He sneered. “Bullshit. I heard you on the phone just now, liar! You were using ‘that’ voice!”

My eyes narrowed as I glared questioningly at the back of his head. “’That’ voice? Which voice?”

“You know which voice,” he replied, blowing up some giant reptile ship or an amorphous mass of alien beings, something which caused the screen to flash brilliantly. “That one that might be saying things like ‘Yeah, I like such-and-such band’ or ‘Sure, we’ll meet you at Felinni’s Pizza’, but is REALLY saying ‘I want to bang you’.”

“What are you, twelve? That’s just goddamned ridiculous,” I declared as I marched to the closet. I snatched a coat from its hanger and tossed it over my shoulder, then walked directly in front of Mike and snatched the controller from his hand. A loud crackle emanated from the speaker on the television, signaling that the last reserve ship in his possession had just been lost.

“Hey, asshole!” he cried. “I was playing that, you know!”

“Well, now you’re not,” I quipped. “Perfect timing, too - because we are leaving.” I grabbed his coat from the back of the desk chair adjacent to us and tossed it at him, smacking him in the face with one of the sleeves. “Come on, I don’t wanna be late.”

“Oh, what’s the rush?” he said, touching his bottom lip and inspecting it for blood. “It’s not like her pants close at ten or something.”

“Oh, would you SHUT UP with that shit?” I returned, opening the front door and stepping outside into the crisp winter air - air which invigorated me as I breathed it in, containing within it an element of excitement not present in the air of any other day. Mike followed closely behind, chuckling and shaking his head all the while.

“Are you ok?” She asked, looking up at me with eyes that had seen a thousand lifetimes and remembered them all.

Whipped suddenly back into reality, I responded “Oh, yeah, I’m fine… I’m… Incredible.” And I was. A delivery truck rushed by, sending a strong breeze our way. I held her closer to shield her from the cold; She sighed softly and brushed her cheek against mine.

“This… this is simply amazing,” she uttered.

“I know. It’s my favorite place in the entire city,” I replied. I inhaled deeply, holding the cold night air until it grew warm, then exhaled slowly through my nostrils.

“Well…” she said, shifting her head slightly, “While I do agree that this is a very neat place, it isn’t exactly what I was referring to.” She smiled a little and pressed herself into me, snuggling deep into my embrace. I tightened around her and rested my chin on her forehead. For a minute or an eternity, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I thought about a whole lot of nothing all at once - my girlfriend, her boyfriend, skipping work for an entire week – nothing. It all entered and disappeared in the whirlpool of my mind, just as everything had since the second my eyes met hers.

Being a Saturday night, Felinni’s was absolutely packed. Mike and I blended in with the crowd as best as two people who absolutely did not fit in with the people around us could have. We sat out in the open at a corner table nearest the road, affording a perfect view of the typical Buckhead party folk walking in their typical stupor from bar to bar just up the road. Mike cackled every so often at one idiot or another as they stumbled past. My attention, however, was focused on the stairs that lead to the patio, waiting for some sign of Alison.

“What did you say she looked like again?” I asked Mike for probably the eighth time.

He sighed. “Look, she’ll be here. Relax,” he said, sliding the metal plate full of breadsticks across the table toward me. “Here, have a breadstick.”

“I don’t want a breadstick, Mike,” I stated. “I TOLD you Peachtree would be packed…” I sighed for what must have been the two hundredth time. “Twenty minutes late… Goddamit, Mike, if you had just followed my damn directions…”

“Not this again…”

“If she’s already come and gone, I swear to God…”

“I thought you weren’t interested in meeting her.”

“I AM interested in meeting her, dipshit. We are friends. That’s why I’m here.” I scanned the crowd once again, wondering if there had been anyone I had missed. “I’m not, however, interested in ‘banging’ her, as you so eloquently put it.”

“Friends. Right,” he said with a chewing laugh. “You just want to discuss Keates and Hume with her, is that it?”

I stared him in the eye. “Yes, among other things. Seeing as how I can’t discuss them with you, you illiterate fuck, that shouldn’t be a big problem.”

“Well YES, it’s a big problem – it’s a blatant lie!”

“It’s not a lie, Mike. She’s a brilliant conversationalist and a good friend, and you insult both her and I with your nonsensical babbling.”

“An excellent conversationalist,” he mocked. “We are defending her honor now? Jeez… now I KNOW you want to bang her.” I lobbed a half-eaten breadstick at his head. He easily dodged it and laughed.

His eyes relaxed and the mocking grin left his face for a moment. “Look, you know I’m just joking with you.”

I smirked. “Yeah, I know.”

“It’s just that, you know… You get abused by that girl, man. You deserve so much better. I just keep thinking that you’ll come to your senses.”

“I’m not sixteen, Mike. I know what I’m doing.”

He sighed. “No, I don’t think you do. You’re miserable with Mandy. She’s completely and utterly wrong for you, and knowing how well you and Alison get along, I guess I’m just hoping…”

“Well, you are hoping like a complete jackass,” I replied. “If you really hope for something, hope that she hasn’t already come and gone.”

“Maybe I should hope you get your sense of humor back soon,” he replied, taking a bite from another breadstick. “You certainly are touchy tonight.”

“I’m aggravated with you. That tends to try my humor.”

“What are you aggravated with ME for? I’m just looking out for my friend. Alison’s cool, Mandy is not. It’s pretty clear to me.”

“Alison is a FRIEND, just like you are a friend. Do you think I want to ‘bang’ you?”

“I dunno. I’ve got a nice ass. Although, if you did, I’d have to be on top.”

Another breadstick flew across the table, this time hitting its target squarely between the eyes. Mike grumbled as he brushed the crumbs from his shirt and lap.

“Look, I am with Mandy. I have my reasons. You have to respect that.”

“Reasons… yah. You like inflicting as much pain on yourself as possible.” He grabbed a napkin from the holder on the table and began wiping the garlic butter from his forehead. “You’re with her so you can do extra-smart things like scaling barbed-wire fences and get all mangled just to catch a movie with her? Well… that makes perfect sense to me…”

I offered no reply.

“Seriously, man, what does she do for you?”

“I don’t WANT her to do anything for me, Mike.”

“Fine. Get rid of her.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Why the hell not? You don’t want to be in the relationship. Everyone – including her – knows it. You guys are just marking time… Like Flava Flav said, ‘You gotta get tha’ hell out.”

“It’s not that easy, man. She’s very…”

“What? Annoying?”

“Well, yeah… but –“

“Stupid? Useless? Completely and totally wrong for you?”

“I dunno. She’s just so fragile. I can’t breech a subject even remotely sensitive to her… Every time I try to, she just starts crying and shaking and I get all mushy and can’t go through with it.”

“You’re a pussy.”

“Aww, come on… You know her!”

“Yeah, I know her… She’s demanding, she’s selfish, and she’s wasting all of your time and money. She’s using you, man – and she knows she has it good, because you won’t fucking break it off with her.”

He had a point. Naturally, I neglected to let him know I thought so, instead taking an extra long drink from my glass of sweet tea. Mike continued on.

“You need to grow a fucking backbone, man. Ditch her and figure yourself out.” He took a sip from his water glass, smacked his lips a little, then continued. “You want to relate to someone and you want to be understood and all that hokey nonsense, but you don’t let anyone in. You always-“ He suddenly paused in response to the feeling of a tiny hand laying on his shoulder. We both looked up and to Mike’s left, where stood a diminutive young woman with curly brown hair and a smile that outshone the sun.

“Alison!” exclaimed Mike as he jumped out of his chair and embraced her. The two laughed a second and remarked how wonderful it was to see one another again. Mike then turned to me and, with his palm extended, said “Alison, this is-”

“You don’t have to tell me. I knew who he was before I even saw him,” She said as she walked around the table. I stood and extended my hand to greet her. She smacked it away and threw her arms around my waist. With a tight squeeze and a raspy voice, she squeaked out a tiny “Hi, Joe.”

“Hi back,” I replied, trying to hide the fact that my head had just exploded.

Mike is still probably trying to understand what she meant by that.

“Hey,” She said. “You here?”

“Yah, I’m here,” I replied softly, returning from once again losing myself in my own thoughts.

She turned her head around and looked up at me. “Where do you keep going?” She wondered.

“Just… Thinking. About, you know… Things.”

“What kinds of things?”

I hugged her gently. “These kinds of things. All of this… How this all happened.”

“Ah.” She inhaled deeply and held it for a moment, then softly exhaled and shifted her body against my left arm, turning slightly. “Any answers yet?” she asked.

I looked up at the sky through the mesh of fashioned steel which comprised the statue we inhabited. “No... Not really.”

“Do you expect any?” I could feel her eyes locked on mine. I returned the gaze.

“No. Not really.”

“Does that trouble you?” Her bottom lip was tucked in a little, clinched between her teeth as they worried back and forth.

I smiled softly and held her gaze for a moment. “No. Not really,” I eventually replied.

She smiled softly, then looked back out at the slowly quieting city around us. “Good,” she said simply.

And there we were, not making sense to the universe at large. The entire week had been something of an abnormality. Sure, we had been talking for the better part of six months – and during that time, a lot of general sharing had taken place. We were supposed to meet for pizza and a few laughs, then part ways and discuss in the coming weeks how nice it was that we had a chance to meet. Somehow, it went from that to the both of us calling in sick to work for a full week, dodging everyone we knew and spending just about every second we could spare together. We laughed, we shared, we bonded – we became close, close friends. It was all very strange and hectic and unplanned, just like the best experiences always are. Regardless of social doctrine, that night, it felt perfectly natural for two friends to hold one another so tightly, and it made perfect sense to climb inside of a statue in the middle of the city in the middle of the night. It was almost three o’clock in the morning when she uttered the first words either of us had spoken in the past 2 hours.

“Joe?” she asked, looking up at me.

“Yah?”

I looked down at her. Her eyes were like the heavens – so very dark and mysterious, with tiny glints of light which hinted at limitless universes contained within. She smiled slightly. “Do you love me?”

I wasn’t taken aback by the question. My gut did not churn with nervousness. I was completely and utterly at peace with my answer. “Yes.”

“Good,” she replied with a soft whisper. “Because I love you, too.”

And somehow, we both knew what the other meant. This wasn’t just an idle word used to describe how much one enjoys the other’s company. The way one loves a spouse or a family member didn’t pertain here. This is much more closely related to the way one loves the smell of the freshly fallen leaves blowing in a crisp autumn breeze as they walk through a forest; The way the sun looks as it sets behind the vast mountain ranges of the Pacific Northwest, setting the sky ablaze with oranges and reds and deep, deep purples. It was spiritual and it was natural. And, as you can probably tell, nearly impossible to describe accurately.

“I don’t think anyone would understand this, if we tried to explain it,” I said.

I felt her hands release mine, her body twisting in my arms. She rose from me as carefully as she could, taking care not to let a foot slip into a gap between the seams of the conjoined figures which comprised the statue. Turning slowly, she straddled me and lowered herself upon me, making herself comfortable in my lap. She slid her arms inside my jacket and wrapped me tightly, laying her head on my chest.

“Why would we explain it?” she queried in a way which quelled any need within me to ever do so.

“I guess you have a point,” I replied.

A few moments went by and all was quiet. Suddenly, she spoke up. “I understand what you were asking… Mandy and Brian,” she said in relation to our respective significant others. “They’d never understand this, our friendship. So, I don’t see why we should have to justify ourselves to anyone – especially them.”

“I agree. No one would understand this… so why would anyone need to know?”

She arose her head and looked at me once more. Slowly, she leaned in, lightly touching my nose with her own. “Exactly,” she said in a hushed tone.

This simple exchange knocked down the only barrier we kept between us. Slowly, we embraced once more, moving cheek to cheek and whispering lightly into one another’s ear sweet notions of how wonderful it was to know one another, how being friends brought out the best in each other. Lightning coursed through me as I felt her lips lightly touch my neck. I returned the gesture in kind, lightly brushing my lips against her cheek. Minute after minute passed as we so very delicately kissed and held one another, each and every contact jolting my system and filling me with the very essence of what it is to be alive.

My head was swimming, all conception of time logic and common sense and obligation to anyone else in the world colliding within me, each one screaming at me why what was happening shouldn’t be. Thoughts of Mandy gave way to thoughts of Alison’s boyfriend, which gave way to thoughts of where we sat in the middle of the city, which then gave way to the immediate presence of her lips directly before mine. One million thoughts raced through my mind, each one a variation on what it was I should do versus what it is I wanted to do. We just sat there, our lips barely touching, breathing into one another’s mouths, steeping in the passion of the now.

We kissed. The rest of the world disappeared. Everything became one gigantic blur, every movement and every word and every breath blending into one. Our souls intertwined and we joined as one spiritually and physically, and without even knowing it, with our clothes still on, we began making love in the center of a statue in the middle of downtown Atlanta.

When you spend a night making love, it’s truly something completely magical. You express yourself wordlessly, stripping yourself of your ego and your sensibility. You are there, expressing yourself, collaborating with another person on a moment that has an energy about it – an energy that is replenishing, fulfilling, overpowering. So overpowering, in fact, that it overrides all cognitive abilities, explaining why it was such a massive shock to my system when I heard the clanging of steel-on-steel as a MagLight was brought solidly against the base of the statue repeatedly.

“Excuse me,” A soft feminine voice requested, “Could you both come down here, please?”

Our hearts stopped. Almost instantaneously and without saying a single word to one another, Alison and I twisted our bodies so as to make our exit through the bottom of the sculpture. Due to the severe amount of adrenaline rushing through me, I barely have any recollection of doing so, but I somehow managed to zip up very quickly during the brief moment that Alison threw her leg over my body, her skirt obscuring the view. We both quickly descended and emerged from the torso of the steel man holding the world in his palms. Rosy cheeked with large puffs of steam pouring forth from our nostrils, we faced the police officer and prepared to accept the consequences of losing touch with reality.

“Now, I think I already know the answer to this,” she said with a smirk, “But if I may ask… What, exactly, were you two doing up there?”

We looked at one another, then back to the officer. Neither of us answered.

“I can understand your reluctance to answer, however, I am afraid I must insist that you do so. NOW.”

Alison spoke up. “We, uh… Why, we were just experiencing, um… A moment. Together. Officer.”

The officer’s eyes narrowed and her broad, full lips parted into a gigantic smile. “A moment. I see.”

“Yes, ma’am, a moment,” Alison returned.

“And what were you doing during this moment,” she asked bluntly.

Without batting an eye, Alison replied, “Well, you saw us, ma’am. You already know.”

The police woman batted her eyes momentarily. “Pretend I don’t know.”

“But you do know,” my dear friend said plainly.

She smirked and tapped the butt of her flashlight against the side of her leg. “Well, judging from what I saw… if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were copulating inside of this statue.” Her stalwart gaze never once hesitated. She rose the MagLight and tapped it against the leg of one of the figures which made up the torso of the man. The dull ringing sent shivers up my spine once more.

My knees grew weak, my back bowed. There was no defense – we were SCREWED.

“Why, OFFICER!” Alison exclaimed, taking charge, hands on hips and eyes wide open. “What type of lady do you think I AM? That’s utterly preposterous!” Knowing far better than to even attempt to add anything to that statement, I just stood there and grinned.

“Is it?” The police woman said snidely.

“Of COURSE it is, ma’am. We were just enjoying the view that the statue afforded us. We were merely kissing and embracing – there was nothing untoward taking place.”

“Are you absolutely certain of that?” she asked. “You’d be willing to testify to that?”

“Absolutely, ma’am.”

“You would? You would swear, on your honor, before God and the court, that you were not partaking in a sexual act in the statue a moment ago?“

“Officer,” I interrupted. Her eyes cut toward me, burning holes into the back of my head. I offered a moment before I continued, just in case she wanted to slam her flashlight into my ribs and remind me why you don’t interrupt a police officer as they ask you a question they already know you are going to answer with a lie. Alas, the moment passed unused, so I assumed it was safe to continue with my plea.

“Officer, surely you understand what it’s like.” I was a cascading waterfall of nervousness, my words pouring over the breach and crashing against the rocks of hope.

“I know what WHAT’S like,” she asked in a voice that wasn’t actually asking but commanding me to explain to her just what the fuck I was thinking.

“What it’s like to be in love, ma’am. To be caught up in the moment.”

“Sure… Sure I do. But I’ve never had sex in a statue.”

“No, ma’am, I’m sure you haven’t. But have you ever done anything just completely… Just wild? Crazy? That you would never normally do, all because you let your heart overtake your head?”

She stood silent for a moment, then answered. “Sure.”

“Well, that’s what we were doing here,” I continued. “We were just driving along when we saw this really cool statue, so we got out to take a closer look. I climbed inside and Alison,” I said while extending my hand toward my friend (and soon to be fellow inmate) beside me, “Followed me. We were stupid, I know. We shouldn’t have trespassed. It’s just that… This week together, it’s been SO amazing, and we were having such a good time. We just wanted, you know… to do something crazy, something memorable, on our last night together.”

“Your last night together, huh,” The officer replied.

“Yes,” Alison chimed in, “Before I have to drive back home.”

The police woman turned her attention toward Alison. “Home,” She repeated back to her. Alison nodded shyly.

“And where is home?”

“New York,” Alison answered. “Yonkers.”

“Yonkers, huh… Do you have some identification that says that?”

“In the car, yes ma’am,” she replied.

“Well, alright, let’s head over to the car then.”

She waved toward my car which sat in the parking lot about forty yards away. Taking her cue, we marched over toward it, the officer following closely behind. I felt Alison’s hand reaching for mine and I clasped it tightly. Once at the vehicle, Alison reached in and grabbed her purse, then produced a small piece of plastic that was her New York driver’s license. She handed it to the police officer, who scrutinized it closely, then looked back at us – first at Alison, then me, then back to Alison.

Handing the license back to Alison, she said, “That’s a bit of a drive, Yonkers. How often to you make that drive?”

“Not very, I’m afraid,” She replied sadly. I placed a somber look upon my face, adding to the genuine sorrow we felt about the scarceness of our visits.

The police officer began tapping her flashlight against her leg once more as she bit her lip and stared off into the distance behind where I stood. Unconciously, I began biting my lip as well, looking off into the distance that was my fate if I went to jail that evening.

“Alright,” The officer said loudly, following it up with nothing whatsoever. We stood there, mentally begging her to continue on with whatever it is she was about to say. After allowing the silence to stand for an agonizingly long period of time, she finally announced her verdict.

“Trespassing… Public indecency… The two of you are in a lot of trouble.” She looked hard at me, then provided the same quality service for Alison. “However… I can’t DIRECTLY prove that you were doing anything… How did you say it earlier? Untoward?”

Our relief was plainly visible as we sighed and heaved, a gigantic weight lifted off of our shoulders. We weren’t exactly allowed to go without punishment – for over 45 minutes, we were lectured and chastised, the various penalties that may be assessed in the state of Georgia for the actions that - from the officer’s perspective - we may or may not have been partaking in being discussed at great length.

“You understand everything I have told you, right?” She asked.

“Yes, ma’am,” we answered very quickly in unison.

“And you still maintain that you were not making love inside of that statue?”

Alison spoke for me. “Yes, ma’am. Honest.”

The officer looked us up and down once more, chuckling loudly. “Alright, then… I’m going to let you go on this one. But before you go -“ She pointed at me with her flashlight, illuminating the zipper area of my pants. I looked down, thinking that maybe my fly was undone. Instead, I was suprized – and terribly embarrassed - to find the prophylactic that had previously adorned my – “I figured you may want to take care of that before you get home. You know, so you don’t give anyone the wrong idea, since you weren’t actually doing anything up there.”

My cheeks were flushed and burning. The officer, as well as Alison, chuckled a little. “Have a good night, you two.” the officer said, spinning on her heel and marching away from us, twirling her flashlight around and around.

Epilogue

Mike plopped the silver tray full of pepperoni pizza directly in front of us, then sat himself into the plastic green chair situated directly across from me, in-between my girlfriend Mandy and my sister Jenny. Digging excitedly at one-eighth of the freshly baked pizza pie, he stated, “So, I haven’t seen you since we were here last Sunday with Alison.”

I nodded in reply, reaching for my own piece of pizza.

He looked at me expectantly. “That’s it? That’s all you are going to give me?” He shoved the narrow tip of his triangular meal into his mouth, chewing as he spoke. “Where the hell have you been?”

Jenny chimed in. “Yeah, where HAVE you been? Mom said you were at a client site, but you didn’t tell me anything about leaving town.”

“Me either,” Mandy spoke up. “And I AM your girlfriend. You are supposed to tell me everything.”

“Well,” I replied, “It was all pretty sudden. To tell you the truth, I didn’t know what to make of it myself.”

“Mm-hmm,” Mike replied, staring me down. “I bet it was.”

“Where did you end up at?” Mandy asked, nibbling at her slice of pizza like a tiny dyed-blonde mouse. “And why didn’t you bring me anything back?”

Mike and Jenny groaned in response. I, however, simply ignored her, choosing instead to tear off a slab from the glob of baked dough sitting in front of me which only barely passed for breadsticks .

“Well?” She coughed.

“I brought you nothing because... Well, because I wasn't anywhere, really,” I replied. I looked up at Mike, who still had not released me from his stare.

“Nowhere?” He asked.

I nodded and smiled.

“Hmm…" he pondered, attempting to divine some information from my cryptic responses. "Let's see... were you, perchance, in New York? Yonkers, maybe?”

“You could say that, I guess.” I grinned. He growled.

“What’s in New York?” Mandy asked shrilly. Why would you be there? I didn’t know you had an office in New York. If you were in New York, why didn’t you bring me some of those bagels I like?”

Jenny asked, “Ok, so you were in New York?”

I smiled slyly. “In a sense.”

Mike shook his head. “Fuck you,” he replied. “Your stupid girlfriend here has been calling me all week-“

“HEY!” Mandy shouted. Mike verbally stomped over her.

“She’s been bugging the shit out of me, wondering where the fuck you’ve been. Your sister, your mom… Nobody had any idea where you were. This is bullshit. Why won’t you tell us where you’ve been?”

I looked him in the eye and held him there. I could see the expression on his face shift from a scowl to a sneer, then to a look of confusion. Suddenly, something dawned on him. Slowly, a small smile grew upon his face and he began nodding his head up and down. He slunk back in his chair, chuckling.

“What?” Mandy said. “I don’t get it.”

“Jen?” I asked, raising out of my seat. Her mouth was full of pizza, so she answered by raising her eyebrows.

“Could you please take Mike and Mandy home for me? I’ve got to go.”

"Uh... Shuhhh," She said muffled.

“Hey, wait!” Mandy screamed. “Where are you going?!? You're leaving? You can’t leave! I haven’t seen you all WEEK! Youyouyou... You can’t just leave like that!”

I turned slowly to her. “You’ll be fine without me,” I said plainly, and excused myself.