Ok, I'm not gonna lie, with everything going on, I haven't read this entire story it was just too long for my attention span :) but cpk usually amuses me, so hopefully this story won't let down.

--Jeremy

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We stood there, stomachs aching, while we awaited the bitch slap that we knew was coming. The motion activated light that was hanging from the gutter merely 15 feet away spotlighted us in the encompassing darkness as we stood there, ready for conviction. Memories of all the bad things I've done ran through my mind, as I'm sure they did with my compatriot.

"This is it, man. We've really screwed up this time", I thought to myself.

It was obvious from the expression she wore on her face that something was wrong, though what exactly remained a mystery. I played out every possible scenario that this situation could give rise to in my mind. Finally, I decided to break the ice and find out what exactly we had all been called here for.

"What's going on guys?” I inquired, trying to sound as innocent and clueless as possible.

She just stood there. A lonesome tear ran down her flushed face and ultimately plunged down into the cracked concrete of the drive-way. Although she didn't speak a word, her eyes told me of the pain and torment she dealt with. I passed my glance to the right, towards Jay, as if to repeat the question to him through the emotion that was apparent in my expression. His response was quick and precise, his eyes broke from mine and simply stared at the concrete where Ashley's tear had fallen just moments before.

"Ashley, what's wrong?" begged John, my partner in crime.

She stood there motionless, arms crossed, head down as she simply stared at her own feet. The seconds passed by like hours as my stomach began tying itself into the noose with which I was to be hanged. Finally, as if by mistake, Ashley began to speak. She spoke very softly at first, much like a child who has just been caught cheating on a spelling test or stealing gummy worms from the local candy store. The language she was speaking was foreign to my ears, although it resembled English very closely. Tears began streaming down her face much like the constant drip of water from a faulty faucet. Her body began to shake a little as she obviously tried with every fiber of her being to regain control of herself. With Jay by her side, she focused her attention towards John and me. Every moment that passed by resulted in a shrinking of my dignity until it could be wadded up and tossed aside like a wrapper that once housed a stick of unchewed gum. Her teary eyes searched ours, trying to peer deep into our souls so she could find the answer without asking the question.

"Do you guys hate me?” she choked out between violent body spasms.

It was as if I had been struck head-on by a speeding train. I was exasperated, trying to search my mind for the correct answer to this question given the situation. The results to the query came quick. Of course I didn't hate her; I just had a very low opinion of her as a person. She had always been just less than snooty towards me, but was also the lowest form of a friend I could have had. The only reason I even cared to keep the peace with her was because she was dating my best-friend, Jay.

"Of course we don't hate you. Why would you even ask us that?” I responded as gently as I could.

My heart sank deeper and deeper with every passing moment. Small beads of sweat began to form on my brow.

What had we done to bring this on? Did Jay say something to her and decide to offer us up as sacrifice rather than himself?

Millions of thoughts ran through my head. Guilty or not, we were about to be convicted for something.

Ashley overcame the body spasms that are regularly associated with fits of intense crying. With a flushed, tear-stained face, she locked her attention on me as she began to speak.

"Jay and I were bickering earlier and he said that nobody really liked me. He...he said that people were only nice to my face. He said that everybody hated me and thought I was a...a bitch."

I was beside myself. I had spent countless hours listening to Jay complain about Ashley and how much of a bitch she was. To see Ashley cry over something that was considered common knowledge seemed ridiculous to me. She was, and still is, a spoiled brat. My thoughts were interrupted by the continuance of her sob speech.

"I feel like you guys are my only real friends and I just need to know if you think I'm a bitch...I need to know if you hate me. I..." She broke off.

Her only real friends? Standing there, I was faced with a small dilemma. On one hand, I could tell her that I didn't care for her at all. I could tell her that she's a selfish, pestilent bitch. That everything she touches turns to shit and the world hates her for it. On the other hand, I could simply throw all personal grudges aside and start things fresh. Ashley could possibly become a good friend, or a grave enemy.

Suffering through the torment of what to say, I realized by the quiver of her lip that several moments had passed without so much as a clue to what my opinion of her was. I knew what I had to say, and I imagined how difficult it would be to say. My body felt like a foreign element as my mind slowly drifted fully back into reality. Synapses in my brain commanded my diaphragm to inhale. Then the muscles in my face began to shape my mouth into appropriate form so that the recently inhaled oxygen could be dispelled up from my lungs and through my throat, vibrating my vocal cords, and flowing through the ever-changing shape of my mouth to form words. I was the first and only of us to speak.

"Ashley. I won't lie to you; you do come off as a bitch quite often. You know that just as well as I do. People...they misinterpret your shyness as arrogance and they label you as a snooty bitch. We've all thought you were a bitch at some point...and even said so to one another...but we're your friends and we do our best to forgive and understand you."

I had managed to surprise myself. I couldn't believe my own ears. I had lied to this girl's face and for the first time in my life, I was going to bury the hatchet and make amends, even though the amends I was making was within myself. This simple, but kind, act went against every personal law I had created for myself. As I watched Jay's dog slowly trod past us, I remembered that I never gave or got second chances. I was guilty of an infraction on my own personal guidelines for life and I wondered if there would be any negative repercussions for such a violation.

Slowly, almost awkwardly, I moved closer to Ashley and embraced her very tenderly and lovingly. It was at this exact moment in time that I realized I was completely capable of deceiving a person on a very intimate level, a skill that I would have to use in the future in very surprising situations. I had the ability to be just as two-faced as Ashley...and it frightened me.

My kind gesture was returned with a very warm embrace, obviously the embrace of someone whose very soul has just been deeply injured. We embraced for only a moment, but it was a very significant moment.

Our arms unwound themselves from each other, our bodies in sudden rewind from the previous action. She wiped a tear from her eye, and for the first time I saw her as a vulnerable young woman and not an exploding volcano of bitchiness. I truly appreciated her for the very first time in my life and wanted nothing more than to help make her pain go away.

As she dried her face as best she could with her fingers and hands, she began to speak again.

"Shawn, I know you sorta like Heather, but I need to know if some of the things people have told me are true."

I shook my head in agreement, almost afraid of what the rumors could be and what I might end up saying.

"I've heard that she talks down on my really bad. People tell me she thinks I'm a bitch and only hangs out with me so she can try to steal Jay from me. Do you know if any of that's true?"

There I was, a deer in the headlights of an on-coming semi-trailer. What should I say? Heather had talked shit about all of us. She was an even bigger backstabber than Ashley could ever hope to be, but I didn't want to say anything for sure. Heather was smart. She never spoke badly about any of my friends directly to me...even if those friends are barely friends at all.

Then, like a freight train, it hit me. I could use all of this to my advantage. I could finally take out revenge on Heather for all the slimy, shitty things she had done to me and to my friends. My criminal mind was at work, and I had a little devil on each shoulder whispering into my ears, telling me how to handle the situation.

"I don't know what exactly she's said about you, but I know for a fact that she's talked shit about you. Hell, she's talked shit about all of use except Jay and that's just because she wants his dick. She's called you a spoiled bitch several times. I've heard her go on and on about how much she hates John. And she's screwed me over more times than I can count."

I had their full attention, all eyes focused on me. John passed me a glance as if to let me know that I wasn't the only one with devils whispering into his ears. A look of excitement came across his face, his eyes burning blood red with evil intentions to match mine.

"Let's fuck her up!” he exclaimed, trying to suppress the obvious excitement that coursed through his veins like heroin.

Obviously caught by surprise, Ashley thought about this for a moment.

"You would do that for me?” she questioned, trying to seem innocent but failing miserably.

"Hell yes we would! It's time for us to take revenge!" I declared much like I imagine every man who has ever been persecuted declares.

We all stood there in the dark drive-way, cars passing by every few minutes while we devised our plan to exact revenge. Several minutes passed by like seconds. We had our plan. Now all we needed were a few supplies.

The cashier handed me the change from my $10 bill and our small posse made for the door and out towards the car. It was obvious by the way she looked at us that she knew what we were up to. Why else would four teenagers by two dozen eggs at 1 A.M.? She seemed puzzled by the Slimfast bar that accompanied the eggs, but she wasn't overly concerned just so long as her house wasn't our target.

All four of us piled into the Indy Blue, beat to Hell, two-door Geo Metro that waited our arrival in the parking lot. Jay and Ashley took the backseat while I rode shotgun to John. We made our way through town, careful not to draw any unwanted attention from the police cars that occasionally passed by. I acted out exactly how our mission would take place over and over in my head. It was as if I were watching the whole scenario of DVD and a scratch on the disc forced it to replay over and over relentlessly. Before I knew it, we were about to turn onto the road that would lead us to her house when John slammed on his brakes.

"That sign is fucking perfect!", John screamed.

I turned my head right and immediately focused on the sign he was so excited about. It stood there, bright yellow, sticking out from the rest of the surrounding signs. Its message was perfect.

"I lost 30 lbs in 30 days! You can too! Find out how!"

It was obvious that this would be the death blow, the proverbial shot to the head. Heather was a once hot cheerleader turned fat. The whole weight problem was a mystery to me until I met her mother. It was apparent then that Heather was genetically pre-determined to be overweight, a fact that we would cruelly put on display.

With a little hesitance I jumped out of the car and uprooted the sign. Fearful of splinters, I handled it very carefully while I made a mad dash back to the car.

John drove the little blue car down her street very slowly, trying not to make much noise as we drove by her house to make sure all the lights were out and nobody was moving around outside. A knot formed deep in my throat as we approached her house, fearful that her intuition had clued her in on what we were up to. My heart was beating so hard it could have been heard from inside her house. I was very nervous about the whole thing, but it was too late to turn back now.

“The coast is clear! Let’s do this!” John interrupted my fearful nervousness.

John turned around at the end of the street and parked the getaway car just past her house. We all piled out of the car and got everything in order while Jay climbed into the driver’s seat. Our plan was to position ourselves just right of her house, behind some small trees so we could launch our attack without being in her well-lit front yard for the entirety of the offense. Ashley had a weak arm, and naturally threw like a girl, so she handed John and I egg after egg as we launched them like rockets into the sky so they could be caught by gravity and come crashing down onto our victim’s house. We threw each egg with great precision until only four lonesome eggs remained. John secured these eggs as we ran towards her front yard to post our sign and to leave the Oatmeal Crunch Slimfast bar just under the bright yellow atrocity that would surely set off sirens in her head. Forcefully, John planted the sign in the very middle of her yard while I carefully placed the Slimfast bar in its resting place. John told me to go to the car and I listened without question while he stayed behind to launch the last four eggs.

Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!

“What the hell is going on out here?!” escaped the lips of Heather’s very angry father as John high-tailed it back to the Geo.

“Damnit man, did he see your face?” I was quick to question as we made our way out of there as best we could in a crowded three cylinder Geo.

“No man. I was already running back when he was shouting…there’s no way he could have seen my face.” John made out between deep, gasping breaths.

Just then, as soon as John had assured us that no one could possibly know it was us, Beethoven began to play as I noticed my cell phone had began to ring. For the second time that night, my heart sank deep into my chest, damn near escaping through my back. I felt every drop of blood run out of my face as my skin turned pasty white. My hands began to tremble as I pushed the mute button on my phone to stop the incessant ringing.

“She knows it was us!” I managed to push the words past the overwhelming lump in my throat.

Nervously, we made our way back to Jay’s house. None of us made a sound, we had been caught and we all knew it. Worse yet, my mom worked with Heather’s mom so I was sure to be screwed…hard. John and I had gotten into trouble several times before, and I knew this would be the last straw that my mom could bear. I was, without a doubt, in the biggest pile of shit I had ever been in.

The weekend went by without any word from Heather, except for an e-mail telling me that she saw John and I egg her house, which we naturally denied. She made no mention of Ashley, so I figured she had just made a lucky guess as to who had victimized her. Still, it seemed peculiar to me why she didn’t finger Ashley in this whole debacle. Why were John and I singled out?

The answer to my rhetorical question came late Sunday evening. Distraught by the offensive act in its entirety, especially by the bright yellow sign that was accompanied by a Slimfast bar, Heather had called Ashley up to look for solace. Ashley has a “save my own ass, let the rest suffer” attitude. It was painfully obvious that Ashley had ratted us out, leaving her and Jay out of the story completely.

I was taken aback. Not only had I reached out to Ashley, I had violated my rule of thumb for no second chances, and the negative repercussion that I feared would result had revealed itself. Ashley had made a desperate plea for friendship and just as soon as things got a little rough, she bailed on us and much like Judas had Jesus, handed us over to our persecutor to be tried and convicted. We were, however, guilty of our infraction but that would not stop us from fighting against it with every fiber we possessed.

The Monday following the incident was uneventful up until a bit past noon. I left school every day at 12 to work a co-op with my current employer and was on my lunch break when my phone rang.

“This is Shawn.”

“Hi Shawn, it’s your mom.”

“Oh, hi Mom. What’s going on?”

“I have a question to ask you Shawn. Heather’s mom approached me today and said that you and John had egged her house this weekend. Is this true?”

I felt terrible. There was no need for Heather’s mom to approach my mom about this issue at work, but the impending story was what really threw me off.

“She said that you and John drove by their house Friday night. You were hanging out the window throwing eggs and John was tossing them out as well while he was driving his car down the road.”

“Excuse me?” I said.

I was furious. Had Ashley convinced Heather that things had happened completely different than they really had, or was her mom just delusional? Sure I was guilty of the crime, but it didn’t happen anything like her mom said it did.

“Yeah, we egged her house. Big deal! Heather had been talking shit about me, so I decided to do something about it. Of course things could have been handled differently, but it’s not like we broke any windows or hurt anyone. She is lying when she said that it was just me and John and that we were actually driving down the road when we did it! Jay and Ashley were there too, Jay was driving and Ashley was helping us.”

“Shawn, do you realize that whether you broke anything or not that what you did is considered vandalism? What on earth made you think it was a good idea? Why did you do it at all? This just isn’t like you Shawn!”

“Mom, it happened. I can’t take it back and I wouldn’t and neither can you, so arguing about why it happened is pointless. What matters is that woman is trying to finger John and I and is lying to people to do it!”

“Shawn, she said she reported it to the Police and that her neighbor was an eye witness to the whole thing!”

“What the hell? That fat bitch got her neighbor to lie to the Police with her?”

“Watch it Shawn! Don’t say that about her.”

Silence.

“Look, I believe you. I’m just disappointed that you would take part in such a thing. I’m not going to tell your father, but if things start to get out of hand we’ll have to let him know.”

“Thanks mom. Don’t worry about it, the Police aren’t going to care about any of this. I’m sure they’ve figured out that there’s no way in hell we could have hit their roof from a moving car. If anything, the lady just looks like an idiot to the cops.”

We hung up the phone on a good note, but I had been undermined by somebody. Ashley was my prime suspect because she had gotten out of the ordeal squeaky clean. I needed to do something to figure this all out, and I needed to do it soon.

I spent a few days trying to figure out how to settle this issue. In the mean time, I pretended to not suspect Ashley of anything at all. I told her that she must have just been lucky to get by so easily and left it at that. Then, while at work one day it hit me.

If I can make Ashley think the cops are going to come down on us, then I can give her a scare and maybe she’ll make this whole thing disappear just as easily as she made herself disappear from the situation.

I had it. My criminal mind came in handy once again. I was going to put a bug in Ashley’s ear that would drive her insane and put her in the guilty chair with John and myself.

I decided to give Jay a call.

“What’s up man?”

“Shawn! What’s going on buddy?”

“Not a whole lot. I just talked with my mom about the Heifer situation.”

We had given Heather the nickname Heifer Twitchens because of her sheer size and her extreme case Turrets.

“Really? Anything new?”

“Well, the Police are going to be at school tomorrow to ask John and I about the whole thing.”

“Damn man, what are you going to tell them?”

“That’s why I called you man. I’m going to tell them the truth. I really hate to drag you into this since you really didn’t do anything, but I’m not going to lie to the Police about this. They’d just end up figuring everything out eventually and then I’d really be in deep shit. I’m telling them everything though, exactly how it happened. You were just driving while John, Ashley, and me egged Heather’s house.”

“Wow man, you think they’ll do anything?”

“It’s considered vandalism, so I’m sure they’ll do something about it. I’ve tried to get ahold of Ashley but she didn’t answer her phone. I need to tell her that I’m going to tell the cops the truth about the whole thing.”

“Man, don’t worry about telling her. I’ll let her know.”

“Alright man, I appreciate it. Don’t be mad at me for telling the truth, I’d expect you to do the same in this situation.”

“Don’t worry about it. I ain’t skeered.”

We said our respective farewells and I went about my day very pleased with the disaster piece I had just created. I was sick with pleasure as I reveled in my greatness. The Police weren’t going to question me and I knew it, especially since I’d be exposing Heather and her family as a scheming pack of liars. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. I had once again outwitted my persecutor and taken my place on top.

A few hours had passed since I had spoken to Jay when my phone rang and his name appeared on the caller id.

“What’s up ne-gro?”

We would often make fun of the way the thug wannabes would address one another at school and I took this time to lighten the mood before it got heavy.

“Hey man, I just told Ashley what you told me earlier.”

“Really, how’d she take it?”

“Well man, to tell the truth she’s pretty pissed off at you. She doesn’t understand why you’d bring her into the whole thing.”

“I’m not bringing her into anything she wasn’t already a part of. She just wasn’t accused with the rest of us. She’ll get over it. I know for damn sure she’d tell the cops the truth if they interrogated her.”

“I know man, I’m just telling you what she said.”

“It’s cool…I don’t care if Ashley is pissed at me or not, she’s a bitch.”

“I agree. Well man, I’ve gotta run.”

“Alright, dude. I’ll catch-ya later.”

I hung up the phone with a great, evil smirk. The issue had yet to be resolved, and already I was victorious. Sleep came easy that night and I dreamed of nothing.

The next day at school was a fairly tense day. Ashley made a point of ignoring me completely, which was no big deal to me. The police never did come to question John or myself and the whole thing seemed to fade away in time. Heather’s mother got in serious trouble at work for making personal phone calls to the police on work phones about the matter. I never spoke to Heather or acknowledged her presence again; except for at basketball games when I would call her names and snort at her like a pig when she was on the floor during half-time cheering. Yeah, kids are cruel.

Ashley and I eventually made amends, although our entire friendship has been based on one deceitful act after another. Jay and I eventually stopped being friends altogether due to extreme personal differences. John and I, however, remain good friends and have given up getting in trouble together but try to keep one another out of trouble. Heather moved to California to go to fashion design school and got married. Just like I figured, she married a loser and he ended up going to the slammer before they had been together for six months. She moved back to Cleveland and wouldn’t you know it, right into the same apartment subdivision that I live in.