Part 4 - 5 Days Before
“I never thought I'd find you perfect in so many ways.” Matthew Sweet, I've Been Waiting
(The following are transcriptions of journal entries from 3.7 and 3.8 of 1998.)
3.7 – about 4:45 AM
I know that March is technically still winter, but still. This cold is insane. It’s unnaturally cold in Georgia.
That should be a code word. If I ever become a secret agent of any sort, I’m going to make that the key phrase whenever someone is to contact me in a public place. I’ll be sitting there at a table in a café in Paris, sipping café au lait and reading… um, whatever the big newspaper is in Paris. And the other agent will be walking by – walking a robot dog or something equally spy-like. And she’ll ask me for the time, and I’ll respond in French. And then she’ll say something like “How about this weather?” and she’ll smile brightly – a bright Parisian smile (Are Parisian smiles bright?). And that’s when I’ll spring it. “Yes, it certainly is warm. However, right now, it’s
unseasonably cold in Georgia.” And she’d nod to signal that she’d received the key phrase, and offer me a copy of her newspaper. “I see you are reading the Paris Times,” she’d say as she looked at me over top of her sunglasses. “Here, try Le Monde. C’est tres bien.” And I’d get the secret microchip and then we’d be beset on all sides by evil and I’d save the day and she and I would have sex and get married and have lots of spy babies. And while I’m wishing, I’d really like some Peanut Butter Captain Crunch. But everything everywhere is closed. I’d better get some tomorrow before Katherine gets here.
Well, fuck. I just noticed that I blew the key phrase all to hell. It’s supposed to be
unnaturally. A flub like that out in the field could get me KILLED. Some agent
I’d be. Besides, I’m abnormally large and have a face that’s so un-nondescript it’s pathetic. I’d blend into a crowd the way water blends into Wesson.
Mike came over tonight, first time I’ve seen him since the “fight” a few days ago. Well, I guess it wasn’t really a fight… more like Juan being a complete dick and my being sick of it!!! I don’t get him… And the way Mike took his side… That was such bullshit! I couldn’t go over there and play Goldeneye with them after that!
We’re supposed to be friends here! You’d think that my two best friends would support me in this, not drag me down and rip me apart over it. They act as if my judgment isn’t sound; As if I can’t decide for myself what’s good for me. Who CARES if she doesn’t live here - I’ve known Katherine for over a year! A year and a half almost! Sure, we didn’t really start talking until six or seven months ago, but still – I knew who she was and what she was about, and besides, we’ve grown quite close. She
knows me. She and I share an understanding. That’s more than I can say for my so-called friends.
I don’t know… Mike’s my best friend. We’ve been through a lot together. And Juan’s going to be my brother-in-law. Maybe they are just acting this way because they DO care about me, and for some weird reason, they think I’m going to get all messed up. But they’re wrong. They’re SO wrong. And when I tried to explain that to Mike tonight at the golf course, he just shook his head and continued driving balls. He can be so stubborn sometimes. I think he’s more mad that I’m spending today with Katherine instead of him – and I can’t understand why. He’s the one who said that it might be best if we didn’t come! And I already gave him his birthday present! So what’s his damn problem?
And fuck those damn Southlake Driving Range assholes. You’d THINK they’d appreciate that we come there after hours and keep the place free of burglars or rednecks having sex or whatever, instead of chasing us off like that. So what if we’re hitting a few balls around? It’s not like we’re hurting anything! We’ve been doing it for months now, and the place hasn’t been broken into once. Assholes. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll go down there and explain it to them. Who knows, maybe they’ll start paying us! That’d be righteous!
And while I’m wishing, I STILL want that damn Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch.
Time to sleep. Katherine lands in less than six hours. Thank GOD the insurance company finally sent me my check from the accident so I could go get a new car. I doubt very much that she’d want to ride home from the airport on the handlebars of my mountain bike.
About 10:00 AM
Haven’t slept. Mike called when he got home and we talked more about Katherine, Juan, etc. Then Dad called and asked me to cut his yard. It’s way too late to sleep now, so I’ve got a few minutes to kill.
I am nervous. Very, very nervous. I shouldn’t be. Or should I be? I don’t know… All I know is that my stomach is doing loop-de-loops and my legs refuse to stay still. Some of that could be the copious amounts of caffeine I’ve ingested – going on my third pot of coffee. – Some of which I JUST SPILLED ON THIS JOURNAL. Fuck, that was a mess. Hopefully the little Mead holder thingy isn’t ruined – I really like this thing. It probably isn’t. It’s just that, thanks to my clumsiness, sometime in the year 2002 I’ll be writing in a notebook in this holder thing and go *sniff* *sniff* “Is that coffee?”
About 5:30 pm
She’s here. Holy cow, she’s here! And she hasn’t run away yet! Granted, she’s in a strange city without independant transportation and all of her luggage is still locked in the trunk of my car. But STILL!
She’s different than I expected. I don’t quite know how… She looks the same as her pictures – same red hair, tattoos, piercings. She sounds the same as she did on the phone. I expected her to be short, since she said she was. So by all accounts, she’s precisely what I expected. She just… I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s actually here, and that’s something I never expected to happen? She’s real, she exists. She’s not just some amorphous being on the other end of a keyboard or telephone. The fact that she IS everything I expected – that could be what’s different.
She’s getting a shower right now. Once she’s out, we’ll head out to meet Mike and the gang for dinner. I’m glad he invited Katherine and I after all. I didn’t mean to let him think I didn’t WANT to join him on his birthday! Of course I did! But after his suggestion that it might be best if we didn’t, for the sake of Juan and Jen and everyone else… Whatever. I think he was just trying to play peacemaker. At least it’s all straight now.
She’s out. She’s headed this way. More later.
Hi Joe! This is Katherine. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess to thank you for showing it to me, for showing this side of you. I can’t say that I didn’t expect that this side of you to exist. I always felt that it did. I guess I’m surprised – and honored – that you’d share it? But then again, your openness suits you. It’s been wonderful getting to know the real you. The you that’s here, now. You exist. That blows me away. I can’t believe I’m here right now, with you, writing in your notebook! Here’s to the greatest week ever!
Love,
Katherine
P.S. No, you’re
not getting this sweatshirt back.
P.P.S. Why does your notebook smell like coffee?
3.8 About 1:30 AM
Nearly 48 hours without sleep. It’s been worth it.
I just found the note Katherine left for me in this thing. That was sweet of her. It was really hard to hand this over and let her read it… all my thoughts, all my feelings, laid out for me – thus, open and direct. No buffers. And I let someone else read it. That blows me away. But then again, that’s what Katherine’s done to me. I don’t know what it is – she makes me feel like I can trust her. But maybe that’s just because I’ve already gotten to know her without her actually being physically here. There’s something amazing about getting to know someone when they aren’t around – you get to skip past all of the silliness and get to the core of things. You know them as they are.
Or, as they wish to be.
That’s the dangerous side of things. There’s no accountability – you can be any person, any thing you want. For all I know, she could have actually BEEN a balding fat guy from Kansas or whatever Juan said! But she’s not. And I knew she wasn’t. I trust her. And I think she trusts me. It’s amazing – I’ve never shared some of these things with anyone before tonight. Dreams and hopes and thoughts… It’s all so scary. But so comforting. She just sits there and listens. She takes it all in. And still, even after all I’ve told her, she listens.
I just realized, I’ve been doing all the talking since she got here! I think I probably talked her to sleep!
I’m glad Juan and Mike and Jenny were nice to Katherine tonight. I hope Mike had fun. He didn’t really talk to me after dinner, so I didn’t really ask him.
Later
Not sure what time it is. Power’s out. Thanks to it being Unseasonably And/Or Unnaturally Cold in Georgia, We’ve got a bit of an ice storm. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s about 3 or so.
I hope it clears up – we have to leave for Savannah in a few days. She just read “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” and now wants to see the town it was set in. It’s only a few hours away, and thanks to the mighty speed of my brand new car, we should reach it in no time flat!
So here I sit at my drawing desk, writing by candlelight. Katherine’s asleep in my bed. She’s snoring a little, her nose peeking out from under the quilts. I am watching an angel at rest.
This moment can neither be described nor replicated accurately ever again.
I can see the mound of quilts rise and fall as she breathes shallowly the breaths of slumber. Her movements are soothing. As tired as I am, I can’t bring myself to leave her. This entire thing has blown me completely away. I had no intention whatsoever for any of this to happen! Even when she told me she was coming for a visit, I looked at this as two friends finally meeting. But now… I don’t know. She’s brought out in me feelings and thoughts I never even contemplated. The way she looks at me when I tell her about things that have happened to me in my life slices through me like a scalpel. It’s like she understands! She really
GETS it! She never says a word. She just listens. And accepts.
And that scares the living shit out of me.
What if she doesn’t actually get it? What if she only thinks she gets it – or worse, doesn’t get it and is just plain freaked out by it all? What am I doing??? I’m literally handing her the keys to my head – why??? What assurance do I have that she won’t utterly destroy me? Laugh at my aspirations, my fears, my feelings? How do I know she’s not slowly working her fingers into my skin and behind my heart so that when the time is right, she can rip it out and cast it to the floor? What if I have it all wrong?
So what?
So I have it all wrong. Does that change anything? Does that invalidate the feeling I have right now? Does it make it any less powerful that I’ve finally opened up to someone and told them all these things?
Candle’s dying.
Good time to sleep.
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