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Still Mentally Incontinent
The second MI Book

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Book 1 Story:   The Cows... They Talk!!!
By Joe The Peacock
Post your comment 44 Comments/Edits Share:   |    |    |    |    |    |    |  

This story is in the first book created from this website, Mentally Incontinent. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do, please consider picking up the book. It's chock full of stuff just like this.


Generally, my dining-out experiences are quite mundane and ordinary. My friends and I hop in a car, drive to the eatery of choice, dine and leave. Given the fact that I had to start this story with that particular sentence, one could pretty much surmise that this particular experience was not ordinary. Should one decide to surmise this, one would surmise correctly (sorry, I just learned that word today and had to use it).

I went to Outback Steak House this week with my wife and friends. Now, eating out in general isn't really all that important an event in my weekly routine. However, I get really excited over Outback. It is my absolute favorite chain-based restaurant, bar none. Where else can you get a gigantic hunk of meat, french fries topped with bacon and cheese, covered in ranch dressing, and a huge glass of super-sweetened iced tea? What other restaurant in this country has a salad containing more fat than a Big Mac with cheese? It's exciting stuff!

We arrived at the restaurant in a rather typical fashion. The typical pleasantries were exchanged with the hostess (who looked quite typical). We received the little vibratey-flashy-thing from her and proceeded to wait the typical 12 to 15 minutes for our table to be prepared. We sat in the waiting area in a typical fashion. So far, everything is very, very typical.

General conversation ensues and things are just plain fine for the next 12 to 15 minutes. Our little vibratey-flashy-thing starts flashing and vibrating, so we gave it to the hostess in exchange for a short blonde woman who leads us to our table – a nice big 12-top near the front entrance. We all sit; we all give our drink order. More general conversation takes place. Our waitress comes back with our drinks and we sip on them while giving our food order. Everyone orders their choice of hearty cuts of meat. My turn came and I ordered my absolute favorite dish at Outback – the rack of lamb, cooked medium, with extra cabernet sauce and mint jelly. Drool was oozing from my lips as I ordered it. I could just imagine the savory aroma and tender juciness.

About 15 agonizing minutes go by, during the course of which our drinks were refilled and even more general conversation took place. So far, this is so boring it’s mind-numbing. I seriously commend you for continuing to read this far.

Finally, Our food comes out. Each item is cooked to perfection, and everyone remarks how wonderful everything is. I focus on the lamb, which was prepared to my exact specifications. My stomach growled as I took a moment to savor the aroma eminating from this georgeous slab of goodness. Not wanting to rush, I drizzled cabernet sauce over the top of the rack very deliberately and evenly, then proceeded to place a carefully measured dollop of mint jelly on top of each shank. I sank my knife slowly between two sections of the rack, seperating a delicate, tender morsel from the bone. I place the bite into my mouth and savor the flavor - amazingly juicy, delicately tender and oh-so delicious. The blend of the cabernet sauce and the mint jelly with the tender juices of the lamb made for a spectacular flavor explosion. It was truly a party in my mouth.

It was also the last bite of that meal I would take that evening.

Just as I began to rave to my friends how absolutely heavenly my meal was, the front door of the restaurant swung open and in trotted 4 cows, all walking on their hind legs, covered in blood.

I couldn't tell you if it was the cheap felt adorning the cows or the plastic covering their hooves, but I could immediately tell that these weren’t REAL cows. Oh, no... These were people dressed as cows; each one splattered with a crimson paint which I assume was to represent blood. They all carried signs reading “Meat is Murder” and were chanting that exact phrase as they marched single file into the restaurant.

Truly, we were shocked, as it is not every day that one is party to a group of chanting cows picketing the Outback. The entire restaurant, completely silenced, focused in on these 4 very very very sad individuals. They all ceased their chanting and looked around a bit, their gigantic cow-heads turning almost independant of the heads upon which they rested. Once they were confident that they had the full attention of the crowd, one of the cows (the leader, I presume) spoke:

“Greetings, carnivores! You people should be ashamed of yourselves! Your dinner was once a living, breathing organism! How can you dine on the flesh of your fellow mammal this way?!?”

I’m not quite sure what they expected to come from that question, but no one answered. This angered the already peeved cow further.

“This is utterly despicable! It is gross that you would eat animals this way! We should live in harmony with the other life forms on this planet! Meat is Murder!”

Again the cows began chanting this phrase in a dulled shout, their voices muffled by the thin veil of fabric located in the neck of the cow costume which covered their faces. The entire restaurant, having overcome the initial shock of the talking cows, collectively murmured and generally scoffed at the statements that poor misguided girl made (well, it sounded like a girl… It had an udder. Who knows... The fact that this was even happening was enough to baffle me, I really didn’t need another conundrum plopped into my lap).

All of my friends were looking at me, expecting me to make something happen. I answered their silent questioning with a deafening “WHAT!?!” followed by a softer, yet stern “Why are you all looking at me? What am I supposed to do?”

Mike answered “I don’t know… It’s talking cows! I just expected you to do something.”

”Well, I don’t know what to do. I mean, like you said - It’s talking cows, man! What exactly do you say to talking cows?" I took a sip of water, then continued, "Clearly, this situation is unstable enough as it is without me injecting myself directly into it.”

Apparently, fate disagreed. My loud exclamation of a query was sufficient to draw the attention of the bovine conspirators toward my table. I looked over at my right shoulder to find a felt-covered teat resting on my collarbone.

The lead cow spoke: “Sir! Surely you must have something to say! How do you defend your actions?”

How does one answer this question???

”I don’t really know that I can defend my actions, cow. I wasn’t aware that I was going to be called upon to do so this evening. Perhaps if you let me know in advance the next time that you and your friends plan to dress as cows and invade a restaurant I will be dining at, I can be better prepared.”

She looked up and back at her cow friends, swinging the gigantic foam cow-head back and forth.

”Ahh, a smart-alec! Guys, we have a comedian here! Well, mister funny animal murderer, we have no need for your sarcasm!”

Having never experienced anything quite this surreal before, I just plain didn’t know how to react to this situation. Given that these were 4 people dressed as humongous cows yelling as they marched through a restaurant, I knew that tact was right out, so I just said what I was thinking.

”Well, maybe not, but you have a severe need for psychiatric evaluation.”

Perhaps this was the wrong answer.

She launched into a tirade: “NO! It is YOU who needs your head examined! Did you know that the steak you are eating is actually poisonous to your system? Hmm?”

”It’s, um... It's lamb.”

She reached her hoof out and seized the rack of lamb from my plate.

“IT DOESN'T MATTER! Beef, Lamb, whatever! Red meat does not get digested by the body the way vegetable matter does! It sits in your stomach for days, spoiling from the heat of your body before it is broken down!”

Before me stood a very volitile cow with a hunk of lamb in its vinyl-gloved hoof, cabernet sauce and mint jelly dribbling down it’s arm - er… leg, holding my dinner up as an example for the rest of the restaurant to see. Addressing the rest of the room she shouted, ”Do you see this?? This is POISON to your system! It is not good for you! So why eat it??? Why slaughter this poor animal so that you can be poisoned by it’s flesh?”

Mike spoke up: “Well... Because it’s DAMN tasty.”

The cow-woman whipped her head round, spinning the foam cow-head just a little too far to the left. She bungled around a bit as she adjusted her head back to forward, smearing lamb and sauce all over it in the process.

”Tasty?!? It tastes good, that’s why you eat it? What if I told you that urine tastes good? Would you drink that?”

“Wow, you know how urine tastes?” Mike asked.

A bit taken, the cow responed, “No! God, of course not! I was just saying –“

”Then why would you say urine tastes good?" Mike continued. "Are you some kind of a freaky girl? Do You drink pee-pee??”

”No, you jerk!" She lashed out. "I was just proving a point –“

”AAAAH, whatever," Mike interjected. "Just shut up! No one's going to listen to you! You drink pee, you dumb cow!”

Mike has such a way with words. The cow became frustrated. “No, YOU shut up, you infantile –“

I had to break in. “Infantile? You are calling HIM infantile? You are dressed as a cow, running around a steakhouse carrying a hunk of lamb in your hoof, woman! I don’t really think that you have a right to accuse him of acting like a child. I honestly think you guys need a psychiatric consultation. I know a GREAT doctor, he’s worked wonders for me…”

“Shut up!” She said in a way that implied that she really thought I would. Of course, I didn't.

”Seriously, you are crazy. You need help.”

“You have no right to speak to me that way, you bastard! You don't even KNOW me!”

Mike took the hand-off. “You are holding his dinner up in the air. I think he has a right to talk to you just about any way he wants, you fucking cow.”

The cow swung her head back toward Mike, causing it to spin too far once again. As she corrected its position, she commanded, “Don’t call me a cow, you JERK!”

”You have spots and an udder. What else would he call you??” I asked.

Before she could reply, Mike decided to try a different tact. In an attempt to reason with the incensed bovine, he offered, ”Look, you guys are clearly not winning any support here. Why don’t you just gather what little dignity you may have left and take off?”

She stuttered and stammered a bit, not sure what to say next. The other 3 cows just stood there in silence, holding their “Meat Is Murder” signs slightly in front of them. Looks were exchanged throughout the herd, each one waiting for something to happen. The rest of the restaurant had slowly but surely returned to their dining, occasionally checking out the events as they unfolded at our table.

Finally, the lead cow returned to forming complete words and stringing them together into thoughts. “NO! We are not leaving! We aren’t the bad guys here YOU are, you... you CANNIBAL!"

"Cannibal?" Mike asked.

She ignored him, continuing. "You are the ones perpetuating the slaughter of innocent animals, and for what? HMM?”

"Wait a moment - CANNIBAL??" Mike asked again.

I knew that his line of inquiry wouldn't really go anywhere, so I decided to go for the kill. “Mike told you earlier. They taste good.”

This really lit her fuse. “GRRRRRRRR! ONH MY GOD! You are so... so IGNORANT! Why don’t you see the error of your ways??”

”Cow," I answered, "The only error that I have made tonight has been refraining from lighting you on fire and pushing you out the door. Why don’t you put down the lamb and just go home?”

The cow began jumping up and down madly, flopping her oversized cow-head to and fro as she screamed at the top of her lungs. The once succulent but now incredibly messy juices from the lamb meat in her right hoof were flying all over the place, splattering on the table and our clothing. The entire time, she was yelling the most insane cadence of anti-meat statements, each in time with her jumping. I was afraid that our friend the cow was going to shake her head completely off. Before I could stop her, however, the manager FINALLY made his way over to the table to help diffuse the situation.

“Excuse - EXCUSE ME," he said sternly to the excited bovine who was ignoring him. "LOOK HERE! I have called the police, and they should be here any minute. I must demand that you leave this restaurant IMMEDIATELY!”

”We are exercising our right to peaceful protest!" The cow responded. "We don’t have to leave! It's our First Amendment right to -”

”Yes, you DO have to leave! RIGHT NOW! Get OUT of here!”

“We AREN’T Leaving, right guys???”

She turned to her left, and turned to her right. Alas, there were no other bovines in sight. (Yeah, I thought it was clever too.)

Her companions made the most tactful exit they could the moment she started throwing her tantrum. Alone and without recourse, the irate and angry cow slumped a little and decided that discretion was the better part of valor (well, as much discretion as one can exercise when dressed as a cow and covered in red paint), making her way out of the restaurant.

The restaurant erupted into raucous applause.

Everyone except me, as I was occupied with mourning the loss of my precious lamb, which lay in a heap on the table beside my plate. It wasn't the fact that it was mangled beyond belief that kept me from eating it... It was the thought of where the cow's hooves had been. I was nearly to the point of breaking down and crying when the manager returned to wax apologetic about his late response.

“I am SO sorry this happened to you folks!”

I tried to reassure him, ”Oh, it’s not your fault -“

“No, really... I had no idea this was going on. I was in my office on a phone call when one of my employees came in and told me what that some cows had entered the building and were protesting, screaming about how meat is murder and other such nonsense! I simply cannot apologize enough!”

”No, really, it’s ok," Mike said. "It’s not like you dressed up like a cow and drizzled meat-juice on us.”

He chuckled nervously in response, pleased that we weren't ready to lynch him. I felt so bad for this poor guy... Here he was, running a respectable establishment – my favorite, in fact – and he now has to make apologies for goofy retards who have decided that their station in life is to dress as hooved mammals and annoy customers at a restaurant, making sure that everyone in the immediate vacinity knew that they not only had an opinion, but a dire need for people to hear about it. Being a generally decent person, He offered to comp all of our meals, but we all immediately dismissed that idea.

“Well, you shouldn’t have to pay for that lamb," he said, pointing to the wreckage that was once my dinner. "I will definitely take that off.”

”No, sir," I responded, "It really is okay. Seriously, this was totally not your fault. Just make me a promise.”

”Anything, sir. What can I do for you?”

”If they ever come back, throw them on the grill and serve them to the customers.”

He did end up taking the lamb off of our bill. He also went so far as to have another rack of lamb sent out for me. It was almost twice the size of the original.

And it was DAMN tasty.


If you liked this story, I encourage you to read the rest of the Winning Chapters. They can be found in the "Stories" menu to your left. If those aren't enough, I encourage you to register an account so you can access the archives and leave comments! It's free - and 100% safe!

Thanks for reading!




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Posted on Monday, April 14 2003
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Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Grover (FM@BOHICA.NET) on Monday, April 14 2003
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.darrensproles43.com
I hate to get all editorial and stuff (brilliant story by the way) but I must. Why do these whackos only pick on people. I have yet to see these people dress up as bloody zebras and interrupt a pride (had to look that up) of lions dining on fresh kill. Of course its easy to see why the dont. Because the lions wouldnt frustrate them with witty retorts, they would eat them too. So apparently the half of mother nature that is predatory is wrong, wrong, wrong but humans are the only ones worth protesting?? Stoopid Cows.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by jendemonium (jennifer@ihatefreddurst.n3t) on Monday, April 14 2003
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.ihatefreddurst.com
What the.....




I think I'll dress up like a head of lettuce and harass some vegans today.




DOWN WITH THOUSAND ISLAND! OPPRESSORS!



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Trixie on Monday, April 14 2003
(User Info | Send a Message) http://ster00ling.blogspot.com/
I'm sitting here at work, dying for a huge Vortex hamburger now. thanks Joe!




Trixie



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by LycoLoco on Monday, April 14 2003
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.livejournal.com/~silentemotion
Wow, the story itself was awesome, and the fact that we just got done talking about animal cruelty in my Social Issues and Ethics class made it that much better. Those kinds of people just piss me off - if you can back up your statements with facts, or if they're doing it at a processing plant, I could understand, but if they just came in and started being jerks to y'all, what's the point? They're not going to change your mind in just one night.




It's stupid protesters that really piss me off (thinks back to "Hell No, I Won't Go"). Did these people actually believe that they were "peacefully protesting"? I tell ya, I really think that we should have a law that would remove all stupid warning labels from products ("Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer), that way Darwinism can take it's natural course. If you don't know to not use a hair drier in the shower, you deserve to die a stupid death and end up on DarwinAwards.com



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by larsoncc on Monday, April 14 2003
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.fatmangames.com
I had a really bad lamb incident. It made me sick. No more lamb for me, EVER. Since then, I've told myself that there's no way that I'll eat anything I don't have the heart to kill myself.




Only Joe can eat babies and tell people to fuck off about it.




I've had to give up adventures to the Outback. It's really sad. All the fat is just too much for my puny heart to handle. I have effectively replaced it, though - there's a place locally that serves up some mean Buffalo.




List of animals I won't kill:


Baby Anything. I don't care if the meat is soft. I'm just not down. Not any more.




Dolphin. They're smart. I don't want something to be acutely aware that their swimming buddy is killing them.




Whale. I mean, this is just out of practicality. What the hell would you do with whale? Ever hear of BBQ whale? DIDN'T THINK SO. Fageddabout it.




Squirrel - Meat issue aside, why would you kill a squirrel? They aren't pests (unless you're easily annoyed), they don't ravage our crops... They're harmless.




Dog and Cat - pardon me for my Western Sensibilities. Cry me a river. I won't eat Fido.




Songbirds - They sing. At least they're entertaining.







Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Troovis on Monday, April 14 2003
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.csl.mtu.edu/~tlhoward
Wow. I thought I've seen some dumb protesters here at Tech, but those cows surpass them by leaps and bounds. With that kind of intellegence, it makes you wonder how the hell they lived long enough to spoil your dinner. Kudos to you and your friends for standing up to the PETArds. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think it's time to fix up a juicy porterhouse on my George Foreman grill... ;)



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Joe The Peacock on Monday, April 14 2003
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.mentallyincontinent.com
Sometimes, I am completely blown away by the fact that this stuff happens to me.




However, I think I have a pretty good explination for it in the Daily Reader.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by muddster on Thursday, April 17 2003
(User Info | Send a Message)
just for clarification, your body doesn't store fat that you've injested. your body chemistry turns carbs into fat for storage. it order to store fat you've consumed it would have to change it into carbs and then convert it back into storable fat. that's a lot of wasted energy. i particularly like the "meat is poison" part of the peaceful protest. can you spell p-r-o-t-e-i-n?




joe - i can't believe your reflexes are so slow that she could just swipe you rack off your plate before you stabbed her with a fork! where's your sense of "defending your kill" you carnivore.





Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by timovgod on Tuesday, April 22 2003
(User Info | Send a Message)
Joe another great story. I have to say that your party bathroom story is my favorite but this one comes close.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by darkmoon on Tuesday, April 22 2003
(User Info | Send a Message)
Excellent story - also some excellent comebacks. My first thought was "if what you are saying about meat-eaters is true, then you are standing in a room full of hungry cannibals armed with knives and forks. Would someone pass the salt, please?"



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by vaslle on Friday, April 25 2003
(User Info | Send a Message) http://what? no
i don't really like fred durst, either



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by carbon on Friday, May 09 2003
(User Info | Send a Message)
I know that the world is full of morons, but why is it they always have to go and take my side on arguments? It's starting to make me reconsider being a vegetarian. At least, I should call it something else so that it seems like I'm in a different camp. Maybe the "Ain't Eating Tasty Meat Organization" would work. I could distribute flyers and everything. I could even have these great t-shirts with pictures of a delicious steak dinner with cartoon eyes, glefully playing tetherball.



Remember tetherball? Wasn't it great how every elementary school had it's own set of reserved words you were allowed to call out to redefine the rules?

"Hey, you touched the ropes, and you didn't call out 'ropies'!"

"Well, I did call out 'bottlecaps', which implies at least minimal contact with the rope or else I wouldn't be able to hold the ball properly. I didn't touch it with my fingertips, which is what counts."

"Oh, come on, that old argument again? It isn't a matter of which part of your hand you use to touch the rope, it's whether or not you use it to propel the ball! I could see you pushing the side of your hand against it!"

"Let's go to the instant replay!"

More games need to have those sorts of things. At the very least, I can see water polo and probably volleyball benefiting.



Anyways, this was another kick-ass story, Joe. Keep it up, and maybe someday world domination will finally be within your grasp.



Re: The silence of the sqirrels, gophers, etc... (Score: 1)
by MrDog on Wednesday, May 21 2003
(User Info | Send a Message)
I must admit that the behaviour of moral vegetarians continues to amaze and amuse me. I myself enjoy steak at regular intervals, but thankfully I have never encountered such moronic behaviour in any restaurant I have visited (including restaurants in Australia, Asia and the US). My guess is that these kinds of protestors are not very prevalent in places where people prefer to eat rather than moralise. Or it could be that we Aussies like our dead cow, lamb, pig, kangaroo, emu, etc., too much to moralise about where it came from.




Hmmm, I just made myself hungry writing that. ;-)




Of particular amusement are those vegos that have chosen to go vego for moral or ethical reasons - as opposed to those that have religious or social reasons. Don't get me wrong, I have many vego friends, but they only remain friends because they don't try to constantly jam their opinions down the throats of other sentient beings. Most of them don’t even bat an eyelid when everyone else at the table order half a cow between them - just as long as they can have their no-meat meal, they're cool.




Having said all that, I was just reading some amusing rants on maddox.xmission.com, and came upon the following poignant info on vegetarian meal choices: Guiltless grill? Is there another kind?. Of particular interest (other than the wonderful rant-ish quality of the post itself), is the research that supports it.




C.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by jokecamp on Wednesday, June 11 2003
(User Info | Send a Message)
I respect vegetarians, but I can't stand when they protest adn try to play guilt trips. Oh well.




Anothe great story Joe.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Witchangel on Wednesday, July 09 2003
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal)
If my senses are ever assulted by these people I have only this to ask: At the rate humans are spreading across this earth, where the hell will we put the animals if humankind quits eating meat? Much less the additional land that will be needed to grow all the vegetables.




I read this after eating a steak sandwich....Gotta love Beef.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by furterfranken on Saturday, March 27 2004
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Sorry just got here, this was an absolutley hilarious episode, though it does indicate the continued truth of the phrase that we are becoming the "United States of the Offended".



However, if we operate on the premise that you are in fact what you eat, that it becomes absorbed and used as part of your bodies makeup, and cows have a diest of corn meal and feed, mostly organic plants, but also as we know, some meat form other dead cows, giving us mad cow outbreaks, then we are no more cannibals than they and the rest of the material they eat (remember the corn mela and feed) makes us all vegetarians anyway.., just my 1.5 cents



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by femme_fatale on Tuesday, April 13 2004
(User Info | Send a Message)
This is one of my favorite stories on here. Great work, Joe!



This story actually makes my friend, a pretty serious vegetarian, laugh like mad. She thinks that a lot of vegetarians and "anti-meat" people take it way too far.



Why can't people realize that shoving their opinions down the throats of others tends to make the unlucky audience LESS likely to change their habits?






Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Hereticorp on Sunday, April 18 2004
(User Info | Send a Message)
Laughed my ass off at this one, I love it when stupid people embarass themselves.



On a side note, I really don't think that assembly was any kind of peaceful... So the right to peaceful assembly doesn't really apply...



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Slade on Tuesday, June 22 2004
(User Info | Send a Message)
This is hilarious; in fact, it's so funny I nearly lost my job over it. I had to fake a coughing fit to explain why I was making muffled squeaking noises and covering my mouth.



Also, I hate to be a prick, but it's spelt 'vicinity'.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by BiGbIrD on Tuesday, August 17 2004
(User Info | Send a Message)
Here's a site with a very good dropkick-to-the-face for the vegetarians. Read it it's great.



http://maddox.xmission.com/grill.html



The Cows... They are Stupid!!! (Score: 1)
by HASMETCal (Num1MeatEater@veggiesrule.not) on Friday, September 10 2004
(User Info | Send a Message)
Being a meat lover myself I loved this story and especially the comments it has spawned.

I do however want to refute some of the comments made by that stupid cow... who really is incredibly stupid... even more than any of the people previously posting to this has apparrently realised.

The stupid cow claimed that meat kills and poisons people and that we should all be eating veggies because of that.

The stupid cow should have done some more research because veggies digest worse than meat does in humans. In fact the reason why humans lose so much weight on veggie diets is that the human digestion cannot tolerate veggies at all well. In point of fact veggies are one of the absolute worst things that the human body can stomach and that's saying a lot.

Beyond what our stomachs can digest, the entire human body for that matter is just not setup for the vegetarian life. There are four evolutionary traits that are found in veggie-only eating animal species:

(1) Teeth - grazing animals have almost entirely grinding and gnashing style chompers. That means molars, of which humans have very few, and a second even flatter type of teeth set in the front that humans don't even have. You do not see teeth patterns like humans sport in any group of animal, however the closest dental cousin are the animals who eat meat when they can catch it but who subside the rest of the time on fruits and only during the harshest famine do they eat the tree leaves and bark.

(2) Feet - The typical vegatian is a grazer which comes complete with hard hooves. I doubt even the most calloused human foot can compare to that of a horse, cow, elephant, giraffe, deer, or any of the hundreds of other such examples.

(3) Eye location - vegetarians almost unilaterrally have eyes set sideways rather than facing forward. This is because they are also typically hunted and need to be constantly alert to their peripherals, and because they have no prey that is moving away from them that they need to focus is on. Meat eaters on the other hand almost unilaterrally have eyes set forward allowing for greater depth perception and the ability to keep focused on a single individual target that is moving away from them. Again guess which category humans fall into.

(4) Finally comes the digestion system itself. Even if all of the others had pointed at our specie being one type of eater or another, this would have been the definitive proof of "you are what you eat" and if the stupid cow person had actually been correct about our body liking vegetables I wouldn't have said a word. But she was as much a complete moron in this as she was in everything else she did that day. Most vegetarians have a digestive setup that allows food to sit in the stomach for a long time to allow for the break down of the fibers or else have a system of multiple stomachs to aid in the digestion. Humans have neither. Most vegetarians have an intestinal setup designed to further break apart the undigested fibers passing through them. Humans do not. Most vegetarians have a compound in their saliva that enhances digestion of greens but is practically useless for meats. And again humans do not, what we have in fact is a saliva mixture which is advanced compared to even many modern day predators when it comes to break down skin tissue.

It is at this time that I would like to use the stupid cow's own usage of "you are what you eat" to state that it is my opinion that she is absolutely right and that her brain has turned into a turnip or a cabbage... no actually I bet she eats mostly roots as her brain power shows she really is not as advanced as anything that actually has any part of it not covered by dirt.

Unlike other commentors I don't respect any vegetarian for their eating of vegetables only regardless of the reason why, in fact I find great contempt for the entire (mindlessly following off a cliff) sheep lot of them. That doesn't mean that I con

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Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by kewlex on Thursday, January 13 2005
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This story is absolutely HILARIOUS. I can just imagine you looking teary-eyed at your poor dinner laying on the ground ruined by a cow that can't recognize its own kind.



”It’s, um... It's lamb.”



Absolutely priceless.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Jack on Wednesday, January 26 2005
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I feel your pain for I too have been refused tasty meat, though not quite by a large bipedal bovine.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Linkgmr on Monday, April 25 2005
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Heh heh, I hate those idiots. They go ahead and claim that meat is murder, then quote the First Amendment, written by someone who is, by their definition, a murderer. Then, they incorrectly use the word Cannibal. Next time that happens to you, ask them what they are going to do about it. It should be an interesting spectacle.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Jonas_Withabee on Monday, May 16 2005
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I know this is really, really late, but I can't believe no one caught this:



"Before she could reply, Mike decided to try a different tact."



Should be "tack" (as in changing directions while sailing) or "tactics" (which also works).



~J



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by lunamoonchic on Sunday, October 09 2005
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All I have to say is they eat our oxygen supply, so why can't we eat animals?



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by JasonD on Saturday, December 30 2006
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This story is completely unbelievable. I don't believe for a second that it is true. You have written every bad stereotype about vegans into your story. I know plenty of people who protest. They NEVER go into a restaurant and berate people while they are eating. It simply doesn't happen.



I can't believe how you come off sounding so smart in this piece, and the vegans, who would have had time to prepare their thoughts, only have idiotic things to say.



Also, no vegan would pick up a huge rack of lamb and hold it up. It just wouldn't happen.



Vegans know better than anyone that you don't call people CARNIVORES. You are either an omnivore or an herbivore. Apparently the author doesn't know the distinction. Vegans would also never be so stupid as to call an omnivore a cannibal.



Vegan activists do not usually target the consumer and tell them they are evil. It would never lead to anything productive. They target companies who are perpetuating especially cruel practices against animals. They try to inform consumer of those practices so they can make better decisions and possibly find other competing businesses to support.



What is MUCH more likely to happen is they will stand outside the establishment with signs and hand out pamphlets to people. But only if Outback Steakhouse were doing something wrong. And protesting is generally a last resort. It is what we do if after trying to communicate with the company using other means does not lead to anything productive.



Most vegans are just normal people who want to be free to make their own choices about what they eat. We just go about our daily lives and do not condemn others for their choices. For some reason, omnivores have such hatred for us that you can't just leave us alone. You have to do things like write bad fiction and pass it off as non-fiction.



Totally unbelievable story spreading bad stereotypes (Score: 1)
by JasonD on Saturday, December 30 2006
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This story is completely unbelievable. I don't believe for a second that it is true. You have written every bad stereotype about vegans into your story. I know plenty of people who protest. They NEVER go into a restaurant and berate people while they are eating. It simply doesn't happen.



I can't believe how you come off sounding so smart in this piece, and the vegans, who would have had time to prepare their thoughts, only have idiotic things to say.



Also, no vegan would pick up a huge rack of lamb and hold it up. It just wouldn't happen.



Vegans know better than anyone that you don't call people CARNIVORES. You are either an omnivore or an herbivore. Apparently the author doesn't know the distinction. Vegans would also never be so stupid as to call an omnivore a cannibal.



Vegan activists do not usually target the consumer and tell them they are evil. It would never lead to anything productive. They target companies who are perpetuating especially cruel practices against animals. They try to inform consumer of those practices so they can make better decisions and possibly find other competing businesses to support.



What is MUCH more likely to happen is they will stand outside the establishment with signs and hand out pamphlets to people. But only if Outback Steakhouse were doing something wrong. And protesting is generally a last resort. It is what we do if after trying to communicate with the company using other means does not lead to anything productive.



Most vegans are just normal people who want to be free to make their own choices about what they eat. We just go about our daily lives and do not condemn others for their choices. For some reason, omnivores have such hatred for us that you can't just leave us alone. You have to do things like write bad fiction and pass it off as non-fiction.



Re: The Cows... They Talk!!! (Score: 1)
by Xiilnek on Monday, January 28 2008
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I know this is already in the book, but did you mean to capitalize 'our' in the sentence,



"Finally, Our food comes out."?



Wow. At least her friends were smart enough to get out while they could. And it's awesome that it ended well.



I love your writing style. It's so much fun to read.




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